When Is Grief The worst?
You may have heard it said before, “the first year after a loss is the worst.” However, if you’re currently walking a grief journey, you may have heard the second year is actually the worst. You may have also heard “grief never ends” which can make the whole process feel awful. So which is it? Regardless of where you are within your grief journey, grief has hard moments (for some, those moments are more like long stretches of hardships). While there is no finite answer to when grief is the worst, there are factors to take into consideration that can influence the difficulty of grief.
Grief Influences: Immediate Factors
Before I go into these various factors that can influence grief, it should be noted these factors are not meant to determine IF an individual grief process will or will not be difficult; all journeys are vulnerable to being difficult. They are intended to help shed light on why (or how) each grief journey looks different; including why some grief journeys appear to be difficult while others don’t. Let’s first look at the immediate factors that can influence how one experiences grief:
Type of loss: whether you experience the loss of a loved one (known as a common loss) or a non-death loss (known as an ambiguous loss), all grief that follows is valid. However, the type of loss you’re grieving may shift what your grief work process entails.
How the loss occurred: loss can occur in many different ways. Some losses are expected and drawn out while others are quick and sudden. Some losses are “peaceful” while others are traumatic. One isn’t better or worse; good or bad; they’re just different. The grief you experience (or are experiencing) may feel more challenging or complex based on how the loss happened. For example, if you’re grieving a sudden loss you may be searching more for understanding and answers to lingering questions. Whereas if you’re grieving an expected loss, you may be struggling with feeling a sense of relief on top of sadness and mourning.
Who/what was lost: the role the person or thing (i.e. job, marriage (via a divorce), friendship (via a breakup), etc.) that you lost played in your life may influence the frequency and intensity of grief. If you lost someone (or something) that was an active part in your every day life, you may experience grief more intensely and frequently than a loss that doesn’t shift your day-to-day as much. The impact the person (or thing) had on your life, regardless of the role they/it played, could also have this affect.
Grief INfluences: Childhood Factors
In addition to these immediate factors, there are a few others that stem from childhood or earlier grief experiences that carry influence:
History of grief & loss: the history of loss you’ve experienced (whether in childhood, early adulthood, or adulthood) can influence how you might manage grief. If you’ve experienced loss before, some of your experiences might be familiar; possibly leaving you feeling confident in your ability to manage and walk through or alongside grief. Whereas, if you have no history, all of your experiences will feel foreign; bringing up possible feelings of frustration, confusion and even new or heightened symptoms of anxiety or depression.
Was grief welcomed?: if you experienced loss within your childhood, was grief welcomed? Were you encouraged to experience, express and talk about the grief? Or were you encouraged to dismiss it and/or shut it down? If grief was never welcomed within the home, chances are you didn’t have the opportunity to learn 1) that it’s okay to make space for grief and 2) how to make space for the grief.
How was it modeled?: grief being modeled refers to your caregivers/parents/adult figures showing you how to effectively grieve; displaying that it’s okay to grieve through their own expression of grief. Modeling IS NOT your caregivers/parents/adult figures expressing their own grief in a fashion that leaves the child or young adult feeling a sense of responsibility for their caregivers’/parents’/adult figures’ grief. Grief being welcomed and it being modeled will more than likely go hand in hand. If grief wasn’t welcomed within the home, chances are it was never modeled for you either. This can make grief and its process feeling inaccessible.
Influencing Factors of Grief: Exercise
To help you better understand how these influences may be interacting with your unique grief process, I encourage you to explore and answer the following questions:
Which of these, if any, resonate with you?
Have you already experienced the influence of some? If so, how have they influenced your grief?
How are you validating the influences on your grief experiences?
If you haven’t been validating the influences, how might you begin to do so?
Regardless of which influences are present for you, remember, your grief isn’t any less valid. All grief is valid! If you’re struggling with determining which of these factors are influencing your process (and how) and are seeking guidance around your grief journey, I encourage you to schedule your FREE 15 minute consultation with me. In this time, we will discuss what our time working together might look like, as well as answer any questions you might have.
Here’s to living a better life as your best self.
Brittany Squillace, MA, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Grief Counselor
