Grieving A Divorce - No Stages, Just Themes: part II
If you are reading this blog, you are either in the middle of getting a divorce, contemplating a divorce or recently finalized one. Regardless of where you’re at in the process, it can carry all sorts of emotions including grief. Yes that’s right! You may be thinking “but no one has died so how could I be grieving?” Non-death losses (or ambiguous losses) carry just as much grief as death losses; they deserved to be grieved like any other loss.
A common question I get asked is “how do I grieve a divorce?” It’s often believed a grief process follows 5 stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) however, we (grief counselors and those who have walked a grief journey) steer away from stages. Last month, in the Grieving A Divorce - No Stages, Just Themes: Part I blog, I covered the reasons as to why we steer away from stages of grief and rather look for themes. This month, I will highlight some of those themes, as well as provide a few exercises to begin exploring (and working through) these themes within your own divorce journey.
Grieving a Divorce: Grief Themes Rather Than Stages
The themes I identify (in no particular order) below stem from patterns communicated by those who have navigated and grieved (or are currently) a divorce and ones I have guided many clients through. Please keep in mind, as with anything within mental health, you may not resonate with all of these. That is okay! The goal of these themes are to encourage and help you shift your grief process away from stages, as well as reduce any sort of isolation or loss sense of direction you might be experiencing.
Identity Loss: one of the most common obstacles of divorce is wondering “who am I now?” You’ve functioned as a married individual/spouse for an extended period of time; you are now entering (or have entered) into a world in which a big part of your identity looks different. This can lead to a lost sense of self.
Conflicting Emotions: more often than not, those who have navigated or are currently navigating a divorce have questioned their feelings of sadness and grief when they know a divorce is for the best. It may sound something like “this marriage wasn’t healthy, why am I so sad?” It’s natural to feel sad even though you know this is the best course of action; both can be true at the same time.
Now What?: Grief and loss (rather from a death or non-death loss) create a void that results in people questions “what is life supposed to look like now?” Whether the individual is questioning how they will carry on or they’re feeling a sense of hopefulness on what’s possible, grief can bring a sense of uncertainty on which direction to take.
Grieving a Divorce: Prompting Questions
Now that we’ve identified a few themes you may experience within the divorce process, let’s talk about a few prompting questions. My hope for you with these questions is to begin exploring where your obstacles lie and the work you can engage in to become a better version of your best self. ***Remember!!! No answers to these questions are still answers. This can still help give perspective into where you are within your healing and growth journey.
Identity Loss Prompting Question: In regards to your identity (i.e. your sense of self), what do you feel you’re losing due to the divorce?
Conflicting Emotions Prompting Question: What conflicting emotions are you experiencing?
"Now What?” Prompting Question: When thinking about your life moving forward, do you feel hopeful or helpless?
As I mentioned before, these themes stem from patterns I’ve seen come in and out of my office time and time again. This does not cover all experiences! I encourage you to take the identified themes and prompting questions to help you determine what feels true for you, as well as possibly discover a theme that was not identified above. If you’re feeling stuck and/or want guidance through your own divorce grief process, I encourage you to schedule your FREE 15 minute phone consultation to learn about what our time working together might look like.
Here’s to living a better life as your best self.
Brittany Squillace, MA, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Grief Counselor
