Navigating the Loss: Empathetic and Comforting Words to Share When SOMEONE Passes Away
In the summer of 2012, both my paternal grandparents passed within a month of each other. While, yes, I had my own grieving experience, I was more impacted by witnessing my dad's grief around the loss of his parents. The summer my grandparents passed was the first summer I spent away from home; I was continuing to study and live my college life in Duluth, MN. I spent some time at home to go to the funerals and be with my family. Following the funerals, when everyone had gone back to their daily lives, my dad and I were sitting at his kitchen table playing cribbage (something we do quite often). Although this is typically a bonding activity for us, this time it was simply being used as a distraction. It was the only thing I knew to offer to ease the pain as I saw the father I love dearly hurting so much. I felt so helpless in that moment. I had no idea what to say as I knew nothing I could say would give my dad what he truly wanted...his parents back.
Have you felt this way when attempting to support a loved one who's grieving? It's not uncommon! If you’re witnessing a loved one grieving and attempting to support them, you may be wondering "What do I say?" or "What should I be doing?". Unintentionally, this can lead to saying or doing things that are well intentioned but end up being hurtful, dismissive, or invalidating to the individual who is grieving. In this blog, I will highlight phrases to avoid after someone has died, as well as provide you with alternative phrases to say instead.
What to say when someone has died: Phrases to Avoid
So what are some of the well intentioned comments/phrases that actually come off hurtful, dismissive, or invalidating? Let’s take a look at some of the most common:
“He/she is in a better place” - this often stems from a place of wanting to offer comfort while not knowing what to say; making this phrase feel like the safest option. However, not only does it assume one’s spiritual or religious orientation, it also runs the risk of leaving your loved one who is grieving to feel as though they don’t need to grieve because their loved one is no longer suffering (which can be true for some but not all).
“At least they are no longer suffering” - any response to someone’s loss that starts with “at least” will likely come off dismissive, hurtful and invalidating. Again, while well intentioned, these comments carry the risk of unintentionally communicating the message of “it’s not that bad” which, in turn, minimizes their experience.
“Look at it this way…” - attempting to get the individual to see the positive side of things may bring you, as the supporter, comfort however it invalidates the experience of the individual grieving, as well as dismisses their emotions. This runs the risk of sending the message that it’s not okay to grieve.
If you’ve communicated some or all of these, you are not alone. Again, these are common well intentioned phrases communicated in attempts to show your support towards the individual grieving. If you want further guidance on how to best interact with those who lost a loved one, I encourage you to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with me to learn how I can best assist you in this area. Otherwise, keep reading to learn what phrases you can say instead to provide successful support.
What to Say When Someone HAs Died: Alternative Phrases to Share
Another common reaction experienced when figuring how to approach someone who has just lost a loved one is avoidance. Those who are supporting someone who is grieving may ask themselves, "What if I say the wrong thing?" or, my thought process when supporting my dad, "There's nothing I can say that would make him/her feel better." So what’s the tendency on how to handle these fears/uncertainties/discomforts? You may find the best solution is to avoid engaging in conversation about the loss with the individual you’re wanting to support. Not because you don't care but because you don't want to risk making the situation worse. And while the above common phrases and avoidance actions come from a place of love and care, to someone who is grieving, these can leave them feeling unseen within the grief process; leading them to feel isolated (which is already a natural and common experience within a grief journey). Here are a few things you can say or do to eliminate avoidance and/or saying one of the above phrases to avoid:
“I know there’s nothing I can say that will make this better but I’m happy to sit with you.” - this phrase accomplishes what avoidance attempts to do (preventing making the situation worse by “saying the wrong thing.”) only with this approach, you’re actually offering effective support. This approach can also nicely set the stage for the phrases below.
“I’m not going to pretend like I know how you’re feeling but I can tell you’re hurting. Would you like to talk about your experience?” - even if you yourself have lost a loved one and have walked through (or are currently walking through) a grief journey, everyone’s experience is unique. Sure, you may have similar experiences (and there are times in which it’s helpful to share your experience to align with your loved one) but encouraging and inviting them to share their own unique experience is needed to set the stage of providing effective support.
“How are you doing/feeling today?” - there’s nothing wrong with keeping it simple. The biggest thing with this question is going to be communicating to them (both verbally and physically) that you genuinely care about and want to hear their truthful answer to this question.
If you’re reading these and still questioning the best thing to say or do to provide effective support, you can always ask the individual you’re wanting to support what would feel most effective for them. They may not know and that’s okay; that may be the time you offer one of the alternative phrases above. If you’re wanting more guidance for your unique situation, I encourage you to schedule your FREE 15 minute consultation below. If you yourself are grieving and wanting guidance not only on how to ask for support but within your own grief journey, check out my grief counseling services to learn what our time working together may look like. When you’re ready, schedule your consultation below to get started!
Here’s to living a better life as your best self.
Brittany Squillace, MA, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Grief Counselor
