Facing Loss: When Hope & Grief Co-Exist
Your person, the one you can’t (and don’t want to) live this life without has died and you’ve been forced to embark on a journey you never wanted to explore; a grief journey. People keep saying, “you’ll be okay” and encourage you to “move on” (read my previous blog Supporting Those Who Are Grieving to obtain healthy support) which you’re finding impossible.
It’s not uncommon to lack hope when first embarking on your grief journey. These thoughts may sound like:
“I just don’t see how I’ll get through this!”
“I don’t know how I’m going to do this life without them.”
“I really don’t see there being another side to all of this.”
“People keep telling me time will heal; I don’t want more time…it means I’m further away from them.
Lacking hope within your grief journey
Building Hope: how It Starts
Despite an unhopeful narrative as you embark on your grief journey, it is possible for grief and hope to co-exist. However, that doesn’t mean your current state isn’t valid and shouldn’t be recognized. It most definitely is; so this is where we start!
When I talk with clients about and guide them through the process of building hope within their grief journey, I usually encounter two different experiences:
The individual/client lacks hope all together
Hope is present for the individual/client but it lacks clarity
To help you determine what your experience is, let’s break each of these down.
Lacking Hope
Are you currently having thoughts similar to the one’s stated above; thoughts that leave you feeling hopeless? If this is your experience, you may be wondering “how will I ever find hope?”
Valid question! When I sit with clients in a spot similar to you, the first step taken to build hope is I hold the hope for you. I do this through:
Validating your experiences, including your fears and doubts
Highlighting moments that carry even the slightest bit of a hopeful narrative
Leaving space for any and all grief experiences; modeling healthy processing of grief
In addition to grief therapists/counselors, safe and healthy support systems and pastors (to name a few) can also engage in these behaviors to hold the hope as you work towards holding that hope on your own.
Hope is Present But Lacks Clarity
For those who carry a sense of hope within their grief journey but lack clarity around what it exactly looks like, often carry a narrative of “I just know the only option for me is to learn how to move through this.” In these situations, I guide individuals (and encourage you to do the same) through exploring what hope could look like, as well as how it works within their grief journey (aka how hope influences their journey).
Building Hope: How it’s discovered
Not only do I guide those who carry hope but lack clarity through the questions below, I also present these questions to those who lack hope all together. Of course, these questions are brought into the grief work/therapy process (if you’re curious what your therapy process/grief work may also entail, watch Looking Behind the Grief Work Curtain to get a better idea) at different times but they can benefit both experiences.
Building Hope Exercise
If it feels right for you, I invite you to take some time to explore/answer these questions for yourself and how they pertain to your grief journey.
How do you define hope?
How would your world look different if you felt hopeful?
What obstacles are preventing you from finding and carrying hope within your grief journey?
Is there anything in your life currently that provides you with hope?
Take time exploring and answering these questions. Don’t be alarmed if you feel stuck with any of these questions. That is okay! That’s why you’re doing the exercise. If you’d like more guidance on this exercise or need a space for hope to be held as you work through this part of your grief, schedule your FREE 30 minute consultation with me to discuss what our work together might look like.
Hope & Grief: How Hope Remains
Once you’ve found the hope within your grief journey (yes, it is possible! You will get there! You will find it!), it’s important to make sure space is created to maintain the hope. You can do this through:
Implementing previously acquired beneficial skills
Engage in check-ins/self-assessments
What has stayed the same
What has changed; what is new
Address any obstacles or influences that may alter your hope
Creating space to maintain hope and utilize the tips above, allows you to remain confident in your ability to walk through your grief journey and continue to grow around the loss (to learn more about growing around the loss, read my previous blog “Is Grief Forever”) regardless of what’s thrown in your way.
Grief & Hope Co-Exist: The Hopeful Narrative
After exploring and finding answers to the questions in the exercise above, as well as gaining an ability to keep the hope alive within your grief journey, your narrative begins to shift. You begin to carry a narrative that may sound like:
“I still miss them but I also know I’ll be okay.”
“They’ll always be part of my life. Now, they just show up differently.”
“I’ve learned so much about myself and I carry parts of them with me.”
Some may even experience thoughts of gratefulness; particularly around what navigating the loss has taught them and brought into their world.
Everyone’s hopeful narrative will sound different. I encourage you to refrain from comparing yours to the next person’s experience (for guidance on navigating your unique grief journey, listen to the Exposing Grief Podcast episode “Grief Wishes: 10 Things Grief Therapists Wish For You To Know”).
If you’re reading what a hopeful narrative might sound like and thinking, “I’ve never had those thoughts. Am I doing it wrong?” No! You’re just at a different part in your grief journey and working towards building hope. You will get there! I know you will!
If you want guidance on how to begin building hope within your grief journey, I invite you to take advantage of my FREE 30 minute consultation. During this time, you will be able to share your story, highlight the areas within your grief journey you’re feeling stuck, as well as your goals for therapy. Based on what you’re sharing, I will provide examples of a few exercises/interventions to give you an idea of what our time together might look like.
Regardless of where you’re at within your grief journey, it is possible for there to be hope!
Here’s to living a better life as your best self.
Brittany Squillace, MA, LMFT
Grief Therapist/Counselor
